Eberron Chronicles

Jack — Mon, 02 Aug 2004 22:48:00 GMT

Having a blog makes you want to write shit down, if only so you don't have to summarize something several times for all your friends, but you think it's interesting enough to tell them anyway. So, first off, I got the Eberron Campaign Setting the other day. It's a new game world that Wizards of the Coast has put out, and I think it's pretty spiffy. Thus far, however, my experience has been fraught with peril.

Wizards site for the game: http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/eberron

So, first off, I'm reading my spiffy new book, when I notice that a section I want to see isn't there. I start flipping around, and I realize that the printing of the book is all sorts of messed up. Some pages are duplicated, others are missing, it's messed up. This effects about 50 pages out of 320, so it's not something you'd notice right away, but it's still way too annoying to go without a replacement. So, I call up Hobbytown, and they're willing to exchange it. I head in, and to my dismay I find that the other two copies they have are flawed in the same way. Not a surprise, when machines do something wrong, they tend to do it wrong repeatedly. So, now they've got a new copy on order. Then I head home, and look on the web.

I find: http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/10/10422.phtml

Which contains the important passage: “Due to a printing error, a number of copies of the Eberron campaign setting book were sent to retailers with missing pages or pagination errors. If you received a flawed copy, contact your retailer for a free replacement. Wizards of the Coast (or more specifically, the printer who botched the books) will provide these replacement copies at no cost to retailers, so don't let them refuse a return.“

Oh well. At least I know now that it's something they're aware of, and Hobbytown probably won't be hassled when they get me a new copy. Since I was already there, I decided to read the reviews of the product, and I came across this awesome one: http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/10/10426.phtml

That is one awesome example of Elitist DnD Nerding. It's also got a bevvy of hidden subplots. First, you've got the sad fact that I could probably have just returned my copy, and had a new one from Amazon in less time, and for about $8 less, but I support local business, so Howard Dean can suck my balls. And, speaking of, it has the following reply from mesteembd Vermont Grobuner Huoward Deaun. It also has an assortment of other web freaks shrieking at each other. That said, I will now shriek at the author of the review, who's named Samuel E. Kisko, and who is a classic internet RPG dipshit. I'm going to mark all his quotes in Deep Pink, because I can, and because they're sexy hott.

The Elitist DnD Nerd Signature Move: “Eberron was a setting wrought from the ‘make a campaign’ contest that was held in 2002. I have to give credit where credit is due; who ever thought of making D20 an open system and creating this contest is a marketing genius. Having other people support your product and revive your creatively dead production staff for free is a brilliant move.“ This, folks, is magic. It's a 9th level spell in the school of Elitist DnD Nerd. How much you want to bet that Kisko tried to get work with WotC and was rebuffed? I cannot even begin to imagine why.

On the artwork: “The cover art is fair, but generally not my taste.” This, based on Mr. Kisko's extensive experience with art. In actual fact, the cover art is excellent, and has a very dramatic and interesting style. There's no accounting for taste, but if your art is amateur bullshit, you might not want to criticize the pros. You're now 0-2 Mr. Kisko. Shitty writing, shitty art, and a whole lot of preachin'. Me no rikey.

Movies are Beneath Mr. Kisko: “The introduction covers the changes from a standard D&D to Eberron including tone and attitude, the inclusion of all D&D rules from all books, and a list of movies to inspire you (yes, seriously, they recommend movies).” Awesome. That's some fine elitism there. Torm forbid that we take inspiration from other forms of storytelling in our DnD games, that's just foolish. Mr. Kisko is building the framework of his delusion for us. He wants us to know how many, many things he's bigger than. Obviously he's bigger than the whole production staff at WotC, they're not that big, but he's also just plain bigger than movies. The entire concept of movies. I'm very impressed with this guy, his mass of words gain weight as they drop from his rectum.

Meet the warforged: “And finally the infamous Warforged, where in so many words you are a terminator. The Warforged is the most interesting of the bunch and is clearly broken (I will come to that later when I talk about Feats). He seems inspired by Karn, Silver Golem, from Wizards Magic the Gather game. At least that is what came to mind for me and likely 80% of all Warforged characters in the world will be named Karn by the unimaginative players.“ Note that Mr. Kisko refers to the warforged as “infamous.“ They will soon become such, as he plans to shriek about them for the entire fucking review. Now, this is another of these awesome, elitist, world-revolves-around-me things, that make Mr. Kisko such a magnetic personality. See, I've played MTG, I have probably 1000 or so cards somewhere in the basement, yet I really don't know what this Karn thing is all about. Mr. Kisko thinks were all MTG suparfanz, but we're not. He's just made this tenuous link, and now he insists it's the only link that we can make. Dude: It's “Karn the Silver Golem.“ Aren't golems traditional DnD monsters? Why is the warforged based on a specific and extremely arcane reference to a specific golem from another game entirely, when it's sitting right next to old fashioned DnD golems? I'll tell you why: Kisko is a seething mass of snarky self-love.

I'm Glub Mor Habble From: “Personally I think Action Points are a bad idea since it gives the players a sense of invulnerability and it minimizes any back luck that may have.” If there's one thing I hate more than bad luck, it's that pesky “ck” key, right next to the “d” key on my retard keyboard. That being right next to the special key that types the whole word “warforged.“ Dude, when you type “bac” and the spellchecker suggests “back” try reading the sentence before you hit “ok.” Anyway, apart from the humor of watching somebody make a mistake using a tool thats designed to fix mistakes, I have to address the basic stupidity of this complaint. Players will feel invulnerable because they get to reroll about 3 rolls per level, 5 at most? Dude, how many die rolls do you think a player will make per level? I'd wager at least 250. They get to reroll one roll in 50. If that makes them feel invulnerable, then they probably should brush up on their statistics. And who likes bad luck? Do you enjoy seeing a player hatch a clever plot, put it into action, and have it busted because he rolled a 1 at the wrong time? I'm sure you do, cause you're a elitist dickhole, but when I DM a game, I like my players to have fun, rather than get smacked on the knuckles by bad rolls.

Rules Confuse Mr. Kisko: “Note that the Warforged are already granted construct immunities and the drawbacks are negligible. Adamantine Body grants +8 AC, DR 2. This stacks with some other feats and class abilities to create yourself a 1^st level terminator PC.” An ongoing theme for Mr. Kisko, is how much he hates the new warforged race. He really, really hates it. With a Howard Dean sort of hatred. The sort of hatred that's so unseemly it's embarassing to look at. The hate clouds Mr. Kisko's grasp of the rules, however. First off, warforged don't get construct immunities, they just get some of them, and lose others. They're effected by spells that effect living creatures and constructs, and they only only get half the normal effect from healing magic. He's upset that a warforged can take a feat that gives it a +8 armor bonus, and DR 2. Basically the equivalent of Full Plate armor, with the added benefit of DR2, and the limitation that you can't ever take it off. Paying a feat for a suit of armor that'd cost 1,500gp isn't really overpowered, in my opinion. A little overpowered at 1st level? Probably. A huge deal? No. Armor bonuses don't stack with any worn armor, in fact, warforged can't even wear armor, so this is basically just Full Plate, plus DR2. Ever heard of a half-orc barbarian? The Savage Species supplement book? Really?

Substance(2): “The background of Eberron is well thought out and is probably the biggest reason to buy the book. While it is nothing mind-blowing, it is interesting, well detailed, and has a plethora of ideas for any fantasy campaign.” Somehow a 320 page book, with a plethora of ideas, gets a 2 for Substance. Awesome.

Warforrrrrreeeeeyyyyyyyyyargh: “The magic items are standard fare with the addition of artifacts and Warforged item being most notably. Warforged items are power-ups for your party Terminator- er Warforged.” Ok. You've got a hardon for warforged. Shut up about it.

The punchline: “I was pleasantly disappointed with Eberron. It was sadly better than what I had expected which does not say much for my expectations.” Yup. The punchline of any good review is always to say you hated the subject before you even saw it. But, as we have already gathered, this review isn't about Eberron, it's more of a classified ad for Sam Kisko's awesome sniping and snarking. Isn't he sexy? Doesn't his capricious, princely “you have pleased me, I shall spare your life“ tone leave you all aquiver? Don't you kinda want to be his groupie now?

He keeps talking after the punchline: “A large problem has to do with taking an intelligent group and putting them into this world. You would have problems of taking things to their logical conclusion. The first thing one of my players said to me after glancing at the book was, 'Okay I have an Adamantine body – how much gold if I sell off a few arm plates?' I did not have an answer and I absolutely hate saying ‘you can’t do that’ for no in-game reason.” The only thing better than an Elitist DnD Nerd, is an Elitist DnD Nerd who's not even a good DnD Nerd. See, Mr. Kisko thinks he's very intelligent, as he implies by suggesting he's the DM for intelligent players. But, despite his stunning intellect, and creativity that outshines the WotC production staff, he can't come up with anything here. I thought about it for maybe three seconds, and came up with this: “Sure, you can sell the adamantine that was used in your construction, however it's tightly integrated with your body, which will make removing it difficult and damaging to you. As a result, you'll lose 2 points of Constitution, as well as the benefits of your Adamantine Body feat. The amount of adamantine present is worth about 1,500 gold pieces.” Gosh, that was hard.

That's all I have to say. Thanks, Sam Kisko, for giving me something to laugh at for an hour or two.

D+D

Eberron Chronicles