The link: http://www.vicegrip.net/blog/archive/2005/09/11/1045.aspx
I used to just uninstall games that pissed me off, but I've found that eventually I'll forget how much they pissed me off, and all that will be left is my competitive streak, and the need to beat them. So I reinstall them, and because they're fundamentally shitty games, they piss me off again. My new policy is to actually destroy the media that the game came on, so I can't possibly play it again. Madden 08 is now in two pieces in my garbage can.
I thought Madden 08 was better than Madden used to be. As it turns out, the only thing that got better was me. I got so good at playing the game, I could overcome all the miserable bullshit it pretends is a football simulation, and I mistook that for it having actually improved. It hasn't. It hasn't at all.
I had gotten to the point where I could just destroy the computer at All-Pro level, so I decided to try it at All-Madden level. This was a mistake.
Now, I can't be certain, maybe I'm wrong, but Madden seems to have some sort of fucked up “catch up mechanism” built in. As soon as you take the lead, the whole game starts conspiring to fuck you out in ways that defy logic. I can't be certain. I don't have the code in front of me. But I've seen it happen so many times, with such totally obvious fuckery, I can't believe it's not a deliberatly programmed system.
The events that precipitated the destruction of my Madden 08 DVD are as follows:
I tried to play a season as the Patriots. It took me three tries to beat the Jets. The first two games were full of bizzare completions into triple coverage on 3rd and long, kickoffs broken for touchdowns, and other such bullshit, until I suddenly win the third game 34-17. Did I suddenly get great at the game, or is there some sort of dipshit “momentum“ system behind the scenes?
Then came the Chargers. After about five tries again full of insane coincidences that favored the Chargers, in my sixth attempt, I was playing a flawless game. I was finally feeling glad about how frustrating the game was, because I was playing great, and was about to overcome it. I was going to be paid off for my perserverence.
I score a touchdown at the start of the 4th quarter to go up by 10, and I kick off. Apparently 10 points is where Madden turns on the bullshit. The Chargers runback guy proceeds to shed, LITERALLY, about 5 tackles to run the kick back. This already is madness. My players never shed more than one tackle. Even the way the game grossly favors the computer on All-Madden, it never does this. But the game had decided I needed to lose, and it was going to see to it.
So, whatever, still up 3. Get the ball back, and start marching down the field. It's a picture perfect drive, I'm doing everything right. With about 40 yards to go, Wes Welker comes wide open on a slant route, and I throw at him. He's got about three steps on the defender. As soon as I throw the pass, he slows up. The safety speeds up, runs under the pass and picks it. I've never seen this before. Receivers don't just pull up on routes in this game, but when I'm winning in All-Madden mode, apparently there are new rules.
So I'm on defense, where I play as Adelius Thomas. We go through about 40 yards of Ladanian Tomlinson being completely impossible to tackle before I have an amazing set of downs, tackling Tomlinson for a loss, swatting down a pass, then hitting Rivers as he throws to force an interception. The intercepting player immediately fumbles. I challenge it and overturn it. That's one fumble overturned.
The very next play I give the ball to Maroney, and run him up the middle. He fumbles. It's after the 2:00 minute warning, the booth reviews, and it's overturned. Another fumble overturned.
I'm trying to run clock, so I keep running, but now I'm not allowed to get anywhere. So it's 3rd and 8, and Randy Moss comes open on a cross. I hit him, he takes two steps gets hit, fumbles. That's the third fumble in about six plays. This time the booth doesn't review, and I have to defend my 3 point lead. It's not raining or anything. The game is just making my players fumble until it gets the ball back. I don't care if the defense is trying to strip the ball. Three fumbles in six plays? When has that EVER happened?
After a few short passes that my defense refuses to cover, Rivers throws deep into triple coverage and completes it. Of course. And the receiver sheds a couple tackles before being dragged down at the 5. So now I have to come up with some ridiculous shit to stop a TD. And of course, I do. I sack Rivers, I stop Tomlinson on the 3, and then I swat down a pass into the end zone. Adelius Thomas is the only person playing defense, the game has literally turned my team off to make the Chargers win. But I hold them to a field goal single handed, and the game is tied. Even now, after the sheer insanity, the obviousness of the cheating the game has to do to keep the score close, I'm still thinking I will win because I'm playing so well.
Thomas has to have a dozen tackles at this point, a bunch for a loss, at least two sacks, four passes batted down, I'm just controlling the field on defense with him.
I go on offense with about a minute to play, and I start passing. Nobody on my team can catch, but I manage to get to about midfield. There's three seconds on the clock, so I send Moss deep and chuck it at him. He's in single coverage. And, of course, it's picked. When Rivers throws into triple coverage at one of the mediocre fucks that the Chargers have at wideout, it's complete. When I throw at Randy Moss in single coverage, it's pick. Neat. So, Moss attempts to tackle the DB. Fails. The DB takes the ball from the 10 yard line, all the way down the field. My offensive linemen just sorta stand there and let him run by. I'm staring in disbelief that my players don't even try to make a tackle. I'm still controlling Brady, so I run to tackle him and catch him around the 10. I execute a perfect tackle, he runs right through it.
Touchdown, game over, I lose.
Out come the scissors.
What the fuck is this? Who thinks that's fun?
In the real world, New England won that game 38-14.
Why can't the assholes get difficulty right? All-Pro is so easy to beat, it's ridiculous. All-Madden won't allow you to win. And it does it with bizzare made up shit that doesn't even look like a football team winning a game.
I play BioShock, I enjoy myself thoroughly. I play Half-Life 2: Episode 2 and I enjoy myself thoroughly. I'm not impossible to please. Write a game that's not a total piece of shit, and I'll enjoy it.