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My name is Jack, you dummies

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I suggest that whomever said “what doesn't kill you makes you stronger” try having a combination flu and kidney infection.

As someone experiencing that very condition, I can tell you that it is not making me stronger, and is in fact turning me into a shivering, fetus-like husk of a person.  All of this began about two days ago, when I noticed the beginning of a cold.  I think this is Hussain's fault.  I used a Zicam swab, like Rush Limbaugh says I should, and it didn't help.  Instead, I proceded to get a fever, which reached 103 and was still 103 when I was at the doctor's office.  I should point out that I probably would not have had the intellect to go to the doctor if not for my darling wife.  I'm guessing that I had some sort of UTI going into all of this, which went into a full on kidney infection when I caught Arab-flu.

The cute blonde nurse gave me an anti-biotic shot in my ass, which she said is called “liquid fire” but I think it's more like “liquid severe and lasting bruise sensation in your ass cheek.”  Munk and the doctor/nurse had many laffs at my general inability to care for myself or describe symptoms.  Now I'm on a course of antibiotics, my temperature goes up as high as 101.5 when it feels like it, and I can't eat.  The fever, really, is not a big deal.  It just means I sweat a lot, and feel lightheaded.  The not eating, however, is a problem.  It makes my stomach perpetually upset and nauseous, so I can't eat.  It's a nausea catch-22.  It's like my whole throat is one big gag reflex, and everything I eat is made out of sand, putty and ass.  I can't even eat saltines.

So, in closing, what doesn't kill you does quite often make you a sweaty, shivering girl-child, and that is not in any way “stronger.”  I suppose the other option here is that I am actually dying, which seems possible.

posted on Thursday, January 26, 2006 5:56 PM

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