I'm fairly frustrated with the dogs lately. I'm definitely wondering why I thought they'd be a good idea.
First offm, we've been putting the dogs in an upstairs bedroom at night, since they like to spend the night waking us up in one way or another, and we're fucking sick of it. Needless to say, they hate this, because it cuts into their ability to irritate mommy and daddy, and that's what they were put on earth to do. So, they sit up in their bedroom, and thrash, and yowl, and scratch, and chew.
In about three days, Cappy has totally shredded two beds. His bed and Clydes bed. Inside these beds are foam cores, and Captain reduced them both to perhaps 5000 individual pieces of foam. The degree of compulsive destructiveness is really amazing. This is his MO though. If he thinks it's “not fair” that he's been locked in a room, he starts tearing stuff up. He's like a liberal, only a little smarter. He doesn't care that his petulant destructiveness means he just goes into his crate... He just wants to be clear that he's upset.
Now, as I blogged earlier, Clyde can open doors. He's extended that skill to include “pull” doors, and has let himself and his brother out of their bedroom enough times that I had to take action. So, at 2:00am, I find myself, power driver in hand, swapping doorhandles around, to put one with a lock on their room. It's friggin ridiculous.
So, they're bad boys, they're selfish, they're not trying to help mommy and daddy at all, and I waste hours a day dealing with their crap. Speaking of crap, that brings me to the last issue, which is that Clyde eats poop. He loves it. It's like yummy candy to him. He actually prefers Cappy's poop, I guess cause we feed them different foods, and he likes a little variety. Of course, we had to switch Cappy's food, cause he was throwing up the stuff we had been feeding them. It's really a world of vomit and poop I live in, and I hate it. Anyway, Clyde eats poop. And in typical dog fashion, when I tell him “no” that just means “wait till daddy isn't around.” I know that's his plan, too, cause I can see him go into poop stalking mode, and he's got his eyes locked on me, even when he heads for the poop, preparing to grab it and bolt if I try to stop him. So, now we can't just let them outside to run around for an hour or two. Now I have to go out there and watch them, and yell “NO” when Clyde picks up a turd and starts gumming it. Of course, his standard response is to get all hunchy and hangdog, like I'm brutalizing and mistreating him by telling him not to eat shit.
This brings me to shock collars. Every fucking site I read, every dog trainer I talk to, they all think shock collars are just AWFUL. I tend to think they're just full of shit hippies. Here's why: The other night, Munk and I were playing WOW, Clyde was in his bed over by the TV... Suddenly, Clyde yelped loudly, and ran over to hide by my feet. He kept looking over at the TV in a suspicious manner. I went over to check and see what had gone on, and I found one of the TV cables had been gnawed on. Amazingly enough, it still worked, but it seems to have also taught Clyde a lesson. He doesn't chew on wires anymore. One good jolt, and he gets the fucking message.
So I have to ask, why don't I just get him a shock collar, let him out in the yard, and give him the impression that poop tastes like searing electrical pain? The hippies warn that using a shock collar could teach dogs a negative association with things you don't intend. But then again, they insist that if you correct a dog who's eating poop, you will only make them fear your hand, plus they'll just do it when you're not around. So, I have to ask, what the hell is wrong with a shock collar? Use it sparingly, only at the EXACT moment they do what they're not supposed to, and not only will they not learn to fear your hand, but they won't know where the shock is coming from, except the mouthfull of poop they just grabbed. Can somebody refute this? I don't know how these people think I'm gonna use a shock collar. I'm not insane or cruel. I'm not gonna say “sit, Clyde” then just lay into him if he doesn't sit. I'm not just gonna fire it off every time he's doing something I don't want. I'm going to isolate certain things he does that I don't want him to, things that occupy his focus, and I'm going to shock him when he does them. I don't expect it to take more than a shock or two, based on his run in with the cable wires.
Whaddya think?