There's a lot of stupid commercials out there, but there's one in particular I just can't stand. It was on the TV a while back, and went away. But now it's back, and this go round I'm not letting it slide. Somebody has to call these idiots out.
It's a commercial for some sort of high mileage motor oil. The premise of it is a dog is riding in a truck, head out the window, and you can hear his inner monologue. He's thinking about how this is his truck, and his owner takes good care of it, what with the stupid fucking motor oil he uses. Not such a bad premise, I suppose, but the dog's subvocalizations are this cool hand, cowbody sort of voice. Now, obviously the dog has been around a long time with the truck, that's what he's telling us, so they want him to sound like an old veteran.
Problem number one, is when the dog says “a hundred thousand miles or wind have passed through this nose...” He doesn't say “nose,” it's more like “noesch.” Damn, get it right voiceover guy. Don't get cute with the language. You're spending cred you ain't got.
But that's a minor issue. The real problem here is what sort of fucking jerk they think I am, that I actually believe my dog's inner monologue sounds like a suntanned ol' cowpoke. I've heard my dog talk, he sounds like a castrated wookiee. I know what his inner monologue sounds like. It's the inner monologue of a creature that eats its own poop. It's the inner monologue of a creature that is utterly terrified of the vacuum. It's the inner monologue of a creature that starts barking frantically for no discernable reason. This is not a clever, macho, rugged creature.
So I have to ask, what sort of person is so fucking lame that they think their dog is some sort of worldwise gunslinger? Who's so insecure with themselves that they have to believe their dog is a major toughy? Let your guard down, bronco, it's a dog, not Clint Eastwood. Don't make me punch you in the noesch.